It Was Real, It Just Didn’t Fit Right

He shattered a part of my heart I didn’t know I still had until it broke.  Yeah I knew I loved him and this was the deepest I’ve ever felt, but I didn’t quite understand the magnitude of my feelings until I held the broken pieces. The pain was maddening and for a while, I thought I would never recover. Then came the anger. Just the day before, I had a vulnerable moment the hardest thing for me. I laid out my fears and feels and he promised to never play on my fears. One argument later his words proved to be just lies or maybe he didn’t lie, but it was that his pride superseded his feelings. Regardless, now I had to pick up the pieces.

This was why I never let anyone in, why I always stood in my own way when it came to relationships or why I always left at the first sign of trouble. This was why I had a few exes that would say I never gave them a fair shot and a list of guys that simply got passed over. I was running from the heartache. How did I spend all those years running, keeping my guard up, pushing people away, only to run into the same thing I was running from?

Somehow I let him fool me, somehow he got under my skin and now I had to live with the regret of knowing that I trusted the wrong person again. Out of all reasons he could have left, this one stumped me. After all the things I stuck through, the foolishness I put up with, the flaws I overlooked, this was how it ended. Simply because I had an opinion, because who I was couldn’t be broken or swayed and because I stood my ground instead of jumping every time he barked, suddenly I was no good for him now.

I should have been smarter; I should have heeded the warnings. I should have listened when they told me he meant me no good and that I could do better than him, but I defended us and for what? Clearly so he could turn around and twist a knife in my heart, that was my reward for sticking with him. He wasn’t easy to love, but I did it unconditionally, now I see that meant nothing. His love came with conditions, it was his way or the highway and it didn’t matter what I brought to the table or what I could potentially bring, if I wasn’t his doormat then he didn’t want me.

He said he wanted different, real honesty and loyalty, someone who said I love you, meant it and proved it. I did that but I wasn’t going to bow down to him and over time that proved to be something he couldn’t live with. He wasn’t looking for a partner, he wasn’t looking to build, he was looking for a broken puppet, someone he could mould and control. How didn’t I see this? All the while I viewed him as irreplaceable, someone I was willing to work with while he viewed me as disposable and not worth the fight. After all, there were more where I came from right?

Pain, anger, and then realization; it was real, it just didn’t fit right. I would have given anything for someone who was willing to give nothing. Dangerous; there were lessons to be learned not just from his actions but also my own. There were mistakes I needed to learn from so I didn’t end up here the next time around. I also realized I wasn’t as dead inside as I thought. The last person I let in hurt me and that nearly broke me, so I shut down and shut off. This time, I wouldn’t do the same. I wouldn’t bury all the things I came to realize I wanted throughout the relationship; instead I was going to have to learn to want them with someone else.

Healing is the hardest part. I was tempted to ,spend weeks in bed or at the bottom of a bottle, but I chose to get up and live life instead. He may have shattered my heart, but he wouldn’t rob me of finding joy in life or from getting to the things I wanted to achieve. I wasn’t willing to let the pain suffocate me, rather I took it day by day, forcing myself to keep going while I waited for the blessed day the pain in my chest would finally fade. Until then I was determined to have tunnel vision, focus on myself and rebuild while I stacked my lessons and counted my blessings.

Once upon a time, I thought there was no me without him, but here I am living, smiling and achieving. I’ve become more resilient than I thought I could be. There is purpose in the pain and power in the process. It’s crazy how when people walk out on you, they expect it to kill you, not understanding just how much stronger they were making you.

I’ve learnt that situations in life are fleeting and people don’t always mean what they say. The things you would do for others are not necessarily the things they would do for you. Not everyone has your heart and two people can be in the same relationship and feel differently about it. It’s life you can’t let the unexpected destroy you, especially over someone who never valued you the way you valued them.

I think the greatest lesson of all though, is to not let the bitterness sink in. To not let the pain cause you to turn away from all the good things that can come your way. I did that once and I won’t do it again. This time, I choose to believe in love and happiness and all the things I know it can offer. It just has to come at a different point in time, which is fine… I have nothing but time.